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The result came out 検査結果が出ました

yoko katz September 20, 2019 4 comments
[Update of the new lump]

The doctor told me the result was cancer.

I was supposed to hear the news on Tuesday, September 17. I could not sleep well the night before.

Tuesday was my busy day teaching back to back, 3-hour course in the morning and another 3-hour course in the afternoon. I could not catch the phone in the morning class as I was finishing up. As soon as I got off my class, I called back, and I could only leave a message to call me back.

I was really anxious that I could not do much during the lunch break. Some of my colleagues were comforting me that I should stay positive. In the afternoon class, I explained that I was waiting for a very important call that I would take it during the class.

No phone calls left me super anxious and made me insane. I have been taking another and the last hat course of a series of the hat courses at Fashion Institute of Technology in the evening. I came home exhausted.

The next day, on Wednesday, September 18, I made myself ready to leave for school for my afternoon class. I decided to call the doctor’s office. My doctor called me back shortly after.

“I am sorry, Yoko. It is cancer”

Before he continued to talk to me anything further, I told him that I needed to sit down. Later he explained to me that there was probably some breast tissue remaining after mastectomy, and it became cancer. The next step will be identifying whether it is only at the local or how far it has spread. I will be scheduled for MRI and PET Scan. Also, the details of cancer types will come out soon.

Doctor and I talked about my teaching that afternoon. We said it was actually not bad to have some things must do. So I left, made a trip to FIT on public transportation (that was horrible, with time to wonder all the wrong ways), and taught my 3-hour class. My mind went on and off of cancer diagnostic. I felt drowning and hard to breathe. A colleague professor came to observe my class as scheduled, and I did my best.

I came back with my husband. Being in public made me act “normal.” I was terrified. I came home, ate dinner, and our son came home. I told him the right upfront. It was important to me that he heard this from me rather than hearing while I would be on a phone with somebody else. He looked at me straight into my eyes, did not say a word and finally gave me a big long hug. I want to and need to survive again.

That night, I cried a lot. I cried so much that the next day, my eyes were so puffy.







「よーこ 残念な結果だよ。あのしこりは、キャンサーだ。」

そのまま話をしようとする先生に断りを入れて、まずは 座らせてもらう。頭がくらくらする。先生が言うには、全摘出をしたとはいえ、100%全部乳房細胞を摘出したとは言えないのは事実だ。だから、たぶん、取り残りの乳房細胞があって、それが癌化したんだと思われる。まだ、どの種類の乳がんかは、検査中だし。今後は、MRIとPETスキャンをして、その一か所だけなのか、どこまで体への広がりが見当たるのか、そこを特定していく検査をしないといけない。

先生と相談して、そのまま 午後の授業があるというのは、案外悪いことではないということにする。何もしていないよりは、何かしないといけないことがあるのは悪くない。靴を履き、電車に揺られて大学へ行き、学部の秘書の肩で大泣きし、素知らぬ顔で授業に出かける。新しい教授は、他の教授からの評価を受けるという仕組みがあり、当日がその日。授業をしている間、私の頭は、経済学と乳がんの間を交錯する。先輩教授が来ているなか、授業をこなし、3時間が終わる。


その夜は、とにかく大泣きをして、ずっと泣きまくり。次の日、目がパンパンで ぶちゃいく極まりなかった。


  1. Aiko Brody

    Whenever you need me, I’m here for you.

  2. Mary E Ford Sussman

    Yoko, I read this , I am sad and i am so moved by your honesty and strength. I holding you and Toby and Tom in my heart so strong right now. We are here for you and for your family. love, peace, truth and strength.

    • Thank you, Mary. Nobody can explain why I have to go through this (and twice), but I am surrounded by thoughtful family and friends in near and far. I want to fight this together, it is too hard to bear it alone. Thank you for being there for us in this hardship. Yoko