Bald is my new style
After I came home from the chemotherapy, from my previous experience, I knew I may have 2 days that I can move around. Before sinking my body into my bed and rubbing my head against my pillow for a long time, I decided to take my situation under MY control. Instead of my falling hair to control my emotion. I was determined. My forehead hairline was moving backward. It was not true, if I say that was fine. It harts to see it's thinning. Courtesy of my husband for making me bald and courtesy of my son for documenting this moments, I became bald. Thank you guys! Some of the photos are out of focus, but great job, my son! It definitely captured the moments. Here are some of the documented photos, if you are ready. So, there you go, the bald is my new style for now! Maybe because I was at the chemo unit today at the hospital, somehow, when ever I see bald style women, I cannot help but to associate my bald image to cancer and nothing else. I am sure there are women out there being bald because they choose to do what ever the reasons are. Yes, it is emotionally not easy. In the pictures, I can see I was afraid at the beginning. Well, the machine makes a lot of noise and I was not familiar with it's buzzing right next to my ears. As time goes by, I look more comfortable. Putting this blog was not easy for me to review, but it should be well documented. I choose to be bald, it is under my control! I like that attitude! With this new bald style, it will be completely new experience to me. Many women with breast cancer go through this. I am hoping to deliver some messages that your appearance may have to change unwillingly due to cancer, but you can heal it physically and emotionally well with some help of fashion and attitude. Yes, there are moments that cancer haunts you, it has been happening to me, too. I am sure there will be days that I feel so depressed, well, in fact, I had panic attacks and was seeing a psychotherapist . But I would like to bring things together somehow so that I can get back to the woman I used to be, or even with more strength! I love you all, thank you for reading my blog.
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I will be checking in for 2nd chemo cycle today
I will be checking myself in for the 2nd cycle of the chemotherapy today. …
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Day 19: Vegetarian Restaurant GOBO in NYC
2nd day of teaching for my the other Fashion Economics course today. I teach the same subject Mondays and Tuesdays, 2 sections with two different groups of students. (Japanese Translation is later 日本語は英語の後に記述あり。) I don't know how other professors are, but when I go to a class room on day 1, I get anxious to find out how I do with a new group of students. Each group can be really different. I started to notice my heart beat goes faster than usual. That made me wonder, if I was doing OK. (and I was OK.) One of a side effects of my chemo treatment that is explained to me was I might have some heart problems. I did not ask exactly what or how it was. Because there were so many side effects that I did not have a capacity to comprehend all details of how each side effects potentially do to me exactly. Just understanding the list of possible side effects. A baseline of my heart condition test has done before my first chemotherapy. I will do the test regular to make sure I don't develop anything serious. Knowing that I may have a heart problem, faster heart beating makes me worried if I am doing OK. This time, I knew the reason of my fast beat and I was hoping that it was a separate incident from the side effects. It happens many times especially on the first day of teaching. Nothing serious happened, no worries. A visit to a vegetarian restaurant; GOBO in NYC (http://www.goborestaurant.com/west/index.htm) After the teaching, I got together with a good friend of mine. She introduced me to this vegetarian restaurant. She knew I wanted to catch up with vitamins and minerals with vegetables and fruits. A vegetarian restaurant!? sure why not. I have never be interested in going to a vegetarian restaurant myself. But if is for the first time, during chemotherapy sessions will be an ideal time to dine. WOW, it opened my eyes! What a great surprise I had. "If that is for everyday, I can become a vegetarian!" Clean, sleek, modern, but warm and cozy inertia decorations. Presentations of meals look very attractive. AND of cause, the taste and WOW, the texture of vegetables, bravo. The menu had mixture of Asian and Italian. Gobo, the name of the restaurant, comes from a root vegetable called gobo in Japanese, but the food was not Japanese. Soy bean paste pate's texture was just like chicken nuggets. King Oyster Mushroom had light cuts on surface and it's texture was just like squid. Seitan -wheat gulten, seemingly a good source of protein- was like a piece of beef. So interesting! I was really content of what we had. She told me that there are other restaurants like this in the city. Interesting. No reason to avoid vegetarian restaurants any more, I am sure some of them are so satisfying for non-vegetarians, too. Vietnamese spring roll: Home pressed ginger ail with pomogranate Soybean with brown rice King Oyster Mushroom with vegitables Seitan, Kale and coconuts rice Passion fruit creme brulee and chocolate cake
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Day 18: Teaching went really well
Day 18 after my 1st chemotherapy. (Japanese translation is at the end. 日本語での記入は英語の後にあります。） School has started and it was my first day of teaching for the semester. I had full energy today. Each class lasts less than 3 hours with a break in between. I started out as usual routine, introduction of the course. When I introduced my syllabus which include schedule for the semester, I made an announcement of my health condition to my students. I did my best to be honest about what is expected every three weeks after my chemo cycles. I explained what I experienced from the first cycle. There are some days that I won't be as energetic as I am today. I appreciate my students reaction that they all looked sincere to me. I am thankful for that. I am excited to be able to teach the subject! First day of teaching: Be active, when I can!
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Heal in Sneakers
It was my last day of summer 2014 with my son. Technically, for my…
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Good Nutrition, When I Can
Balanced meals with lean protein and a lot of varieties of veggies and fruits are the good approach even during chemotherapy. Many breast cancer patients gain weight because patients become less active during chemotherapy, while they eat the same amount of calories as they used to have. Or it is also being said that patient's friends and families bring over food to help her out. (Japanese translation is at the bottom. 日本語は英語の後に記入してあります。) My tonight dinner was perfect for me, an ideal one and it is food that I grew up with (almost). Thanks to my parents who set some of them aside in freezer in advance. For some of these, all I had to was to defrost or heat up. 1. black bean rice (whole grain) 2. Tofu with Myoga (Japanese herb) 3. Eggplant from today's farmers market with Bonita fish flakes 4. Hijiki (seaweed) with Fried Tofu 5. Burdock with Sesame 6. Zucchini Pickles with Kombu Seaweed 7. Chicken Lever (for a source of iron) 8. Salted Salmon with Shiso Herb 9. Miso Soup with Wakame (another kind of seaweeds) and Radish 10. Fresh Corn from Farmers Market I know that was ideal meal during chemotherapy for me - I mean with the quality of nutrition- it did not have to be Japanese meal. However, most of the time, I could not prepare or have meals in this way. During 3 weeks of in-between chemo cycles, for about 2 weeks, either feeling sick to cook, or having completely no appetite and what ever served, I ate as I could. Food became low on my priority list. On top of this meal, today, I received a surprise delivery. More great nutrition source came in just in time before the next cycle, which I cannot eat much at all for another 1 week. A beautiful bouquet of fruits from my relative lives at a distance (so many thanks!). Just looking at this gave me some positive energy. It was so fresh and sweet. This is the very short period that I want to catch up with my vitamins and minerals for healing from chemo and especially for my pimples, and for preparing for the next chemo. It was a perfect timing for me. I was feeling good enough to enjoy eating. [physically] great. Minor nausea, very minor. I was very active, before my next cycle. Farmers market in the morning. I took my son and his friend to fishing in the afternoon. They setup a tent in the backyard for a sleep over in the tent. I was thrilled to see my son having so much fun and enjoying a little piece of summer 2014. [emotionally] Feeling great. As next Wednesday seems to me right there, I felt like no time to waste...
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Day 16: Oh, oh. My hair...
Day 15 after my first chemotherapy -yesterday night-... At night, I just noticed something a little bit unusual. Many hair in my underwear, and on toilet paper. Oh, oh. did it finally start? (Japanese translation is at the bottom. 日本語は英語の後に記入してあります。) Day 16 after my first chemotherapy -Today-... Now as I run my fingers through my hair, two to three pieces of hair come out. It is surprisingly no physical sensation what so ever when hair comes off. I don't even notice them. When I wash my hair, I close my eyes, I cannot tell how much is coming off. I just don't feel a pull at all. My experienced nurse at oncology office told me my hair would fall off after my 2nd chemotherapy. I figured my first week of teaching, I could show up with my hair, at least once. Oh, oh... that will be 4 days from now. I really hope my hair will be intact until then. I can shave it off or what ever after that. Please stay on! I took a shower tonight. I washed it as if I am washing something so fragile. I did not towel dry my hair, nor combed my hair. Please stay on. [physically] Feeling totally normal. Very very mild nausea. I do what I can while I can move around before Wednesday, the next chemotherapy. My period is still spotty. Hair started to fall down. I experimented by pulling out my hair in my leg, it harts, and it did not come off :-) ! [emotionally] I beg my hair to stay on for another 5 days until my Tuesday teaching will be over. Then I will surrender completely. I just became anxious about this. I know it was totally expected, and I think I am ready for this.
Read MoreBreast Cancer in Summer 2014 with a Kid
For the last 3 days, I was doing fine. Not great, but just fine. Nausea had it's peek on 2nd to5th days after the chemotherapy. Today, not much. Occasionally, there was some moments I was thinking, "oh, I can feel it." It is extremely mild today. Once as I feel recovered, almost!, from the last one, now I can see my next chemotherapy 2/6, second one out of 6, coming up on Wednesday, August 27. Now I know how I will respond to it, I started to prepare for it, mainly 2 things I have to do before next Wednesday. 1: prepare for my fall semester teaching material. 2: Give my son some summer treat. Being a breast cancer patient while kids are still young, it is difficult to find a good balance. Here I need to focus on me, while it is recommended to maintain a kid's life as "normal" as possible. How do I do that? 1. Keeping up with daily routine schedule for a kid (my son 8 years old) I could not do it alone! If you are the one who manage, kid's scheduling, it is a good time to give the schedule to husband/partner/sitter ahead of time. Assure him/her to trying to keep it up with the daily routine as scheduled. Well, I still do participate, because I care about it a lot. But there were times, when I devoted myself studying about my disease and treatments. I also had to look for professionals whom I can trust. I needed to discuss or just talk with my family and friends over coffee or the phone for hours (in total) to search for different opinions or just for comforting me. I need to rest and recover. It has been so helpful when friends take my son out for a play date. Meanwhile, I can focus on me, not being a mother. No worries about snack or screen time. Keeping up with daily routine schedule for a kid can provides him/her a good security feeling. His mother might be fighting with cancer, but his life does not change, the same as before. The same old time. Kids can be also scared when their mother face possibly deadly disease. Mother's appearance may change, not being able to move around, or hair loss. 2. Planning play dates with his friends It looks to me he enjoys a lot to be with friends. Seemingly worrisome issues are discussed over the phone with specialists, insurance companies, and friends at home, when he has somebody accompany with him, his focus is on the play date. I made a lot of play dates during this summer. I could not really go for swimming while my son loves swimming, some friends took him for a pool. Those play dates have been helpful. 3. Unfortunate summer 2014. Mini trips, instead, when I can. We were initially planning to visit his grand parents in Japan for 6 weeks. We had a plan to sending him to a Japanese public school for 3 weeks. Unfortunately, I needed to cancel the trip. Instead, I had to face the cancer. I know that it is purely a social pressure, but when I hear other families go for VACATION, I felt sorry for my son. All 9 weeks of summer break, we are in town, wait, almost. I had my left mastectomy 4 days before my son's summer started. We just had to stay around. I wanted to take him out for some trips. When I felt good, I tried to take him out for mini trips. Some highlights are: We visited our friend's home in beach, a day trip. We took him out for a theme park. I took him out yesterday for an off-broadway, "iLuminate Artist of Light". (So much fun, I really recommend it. Visually so appealing. http://iluminate.com/artist-of-light/ ) Maybe this weekend, we will take him out for a hiking (before my next chemo and it is our last summer weekend). We enjoyed a lot. I just really wanted to provide him some summertime feeling. At least, it had been so helpful that my parents from Japan were here to help us out for about 6 weeks. That was fun for my son. Thank you, my parents! [physically] For the last 3 days, nausea had been almost unnoticeable. It is there though. Well... once I thought my period was over, it has still going on, very very light. It has been over 2 weeks. Pimples are there on my face. I gained back weight as my appetite is back. My left underarm has been numb since the surgery and it bugs me. I keep touching there lightly, hoping my nerve to come back some sensation. [emotionally] Sort of steady... I now started to feel annoyed that my next chemotherapy is right around the corner... Next Wednesday. My teaching is coming up next Monday, I am getting ready for it!
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My Treatment Timeline
I wanted to share my treatment time line for a reference. (Please read "important" at the bottom, if you are diagnosed breast cancer.) As many of breast cancer cases, I did not feel a pain or sick at all. I felt perfectly healthy, in fact, I thought I was one of the most healthiest, or the most health conscious person around me. One major different thing about the cancer from other illness is that removing cancer with surgery is only the very first step (note: some cancer requires chemotherapy before surgery). Many other treatments to follow in breast cancer. When I found about about the length of the treatment I had to have, I was daunted to face that fact. Previously, I never had surgery, I did not take any medications regularly, and I even did not take any vitamins because I self-studied nutrition and my meals provided me balanced vitamins and minerals. Day 11: Almost normal. I took a long nap in the afternoon. I also did another bike ride! [physically] I can feel a mild body ache from yesterday's exercise. I need some exercise. Mild nausea, but I did not take medication. I wake up feeling normal, but gradually my nausea reminds me that I am under chemotherapy treatment, (this is an improvement.) I had head ache and took Advil. My pimples are healing. I don't digest food well, food comes out from me recognizable (I tried not to be very descriptive). [emotionally] Very steady. I can predict the next cycles. Not knowing what will happen to me was a big fear. Next cycle, I might be a little better to handle the cycle emotionally.
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Day 10: Feel almost normal
Day 10 after my chemotherapy. I feel almost back to normal today. Yes, I still have mild nausea, but not that noticeable. In fact, I thought I needed to start some exercises. My husband is a dedicated runner, but I was not sure if running was my best exercise today. I asked him to tune up my bicycle. Bending over to reach ground makes me nauseated, I could not do it myself. I went for a bike riding while he goes out for running. I had to stop occasionally when I felt nauseous, but otherwise, I felt good about getting some exercise done. We were out for over 1 hour. My appetite came back as well as my taste buds. I quickly started putting some weight now. Wow, now it is the time to focus on what I eat, finally. I don't get hungry today, I believe because I eat small amount more frequently. I felt lack of vegetables in my diet for the last 10 days, I craved for vegetables. My friend brought me my favorite carrot dressing with ginger and honey. I am set for vegetables! When I was on a bike, we passed by a store that sells felafels. I started to explain how to make felafels to my husband as I was riding the bike. I was excited to find out that "I am thinking about food!" I greeted myself "Welcome back, Yoko!" [physically]: Almost back to normal (Oh, thank you!). I felt some nausea from time to time. When I am destructed, I forget about it. A pimple popped out, but nothing noticeable happened for now. I was afraid that being lower white blood counts could cause some situation, not today. I don't notice sore mouth today. [emotionally]: As I felt normal and did some exercise, I felt great and thankful.
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Day 9: Some energy toward evening
It started out slowly this morning. I wake up having mild nausea very similar to yesterday. We visited a farmers market and bought a few vegetables. I was not sure how much cooking I will do for a week. So far, I did not cook at all, but heating up prepared food from time to time. But it was good that I had motivation to go out. Those are so cute! Not only pies are homemade, but the packages are also hand painted. I spend reading a book most of my time until 3 PM. When a friend of mine called me at 3:30, when I was taking a nap. A get together dinner invitation at a Japanese restaurant made me think of what I wanted to eat for the first time since I had my chemotherapy. My appetite is getting back on track, a bright news to me. Just in case, I took an anti-nausea medication before the restaurant. I could not imagine how much I ate. I ordered Tempura so that I could take some home in case I did not finish it, but I ate everything. Somehow I started to taste food better again. Having a good accompany distracted me from thinking about being nauseous. The dinner replenished my energy up again. Once I went home, I started to clean the house that I could not do before. Oh, I felt good. [physically]: Constant very mild nausea, a lot of burping. Not much fatigue. Appetite is coming back! Food started to taste as it supposed to be. Pimples are persistent on my face. Sore spots in the mouth. A red rash spot at my throat. My period seems to be over, finally -12th day of my period. Itch scalp. [emotionally]: Fine. Things look more optimistic.
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Day 8:Thoughts about being constant nauseous
Day 8: Even better than yesterday. I was slightly nauseated, milder than yesterday... the level of nausea is like morning sickness. I remember having this similar nauseous condition 9 years ago, when I was pregnant of my son. Yesterday, our son's piano teacher called me to check on me. (Thank you!) Her daughter and daughter in law went through breast cancer recently. She described me "just like morning sickness, isn't it?" when I mentioned about my nausea. That reminded me a nurse with my oncologist had already told me about that, too, on the day of my chemotherapy. At the hospital, there are 4 specialists stopped by and gave me so many facts and tips. I totally forgot about that comment. Yes, now it is like morning sickness. This made me wonder a difference between a morning sickness of 9 years ago and chemotherapy nausea today. 9 years ago, when I felt my morning sickness, I felt sick, but there was joy underneath. "Op, this is what it is like!" I did not like it much, but I knew there was something precious I was growing. I wanted it to be growing well. I wanted to get over with it and wanted to meet our baby later. Today, it is true... I have "Op, this is what it is like..." a very same impression, except tone is different. I try to look for something to look forward to to go through this. Once I get over this nausea: 1. "I will get back to my normal life!" 2. "I will taste my favorite food as it supposed to taste!" 3. "I will feel a big relief." I thought listing up would help me feel better, and had better attitude today. Well, I have a mixed feeling about this. I may succeeded to list up something positive, but at the same time, the things I am looking forward to are what I used to already have. I don't have them now. Then... I look like victimized... and maybe I am a victim of the cancer... mmm, Bummer. [physically]: Constant nauseous. Not much of fatigue, but I took a nap. Some appetite is coming back! 11th day of my period. Around my nose and mouth, many pimples. Edges of my mouth started ache, some small cut openings. My mouth is sore with one white spot started to show up. [emotionally]: Stable. Some motivation started to come back to me again, which made me happy. Started to concerned about my hair loss. Will I be able to put together something look good on me with my new area of fashion: bald?
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Day 7: A short trip to NYC
A week ago, I had my first chemotherapy. Today, I felt even better than yesterday. It was best among the last 5 days. I wake up with a slight feeling of nausea, but very mild. It was like morning sickness. (My posture has been pretty good. When I am nauseated, I noticed I walked in bad posture, but I could not help it.) After a breakfast, friend's homemade banana muffin and scrambled eggs, I went back to watch a movie; "Diana Vreeland: The Eye Has to Travel." A story about a woman who used to be an editor in chief of Harper Bazaar, Vogue and head of The Costume Institute of Metropolitan Museum. That made me think of different head piece solutions I have to think for near future. I wanted to go to the NYC. My husband wanted to come with me to make sure I would be OK. I really appreciated about it, I myself was not confident either. We made a short trip, 2 hours stay in the city. Oh, I was happy. I felt nauseous but when I was looking into different hats, I was not thinking about nausea. A brief moment of nausea-free without medication! Bravo, fashion. I had some inspiration, and I will make some, too, when I can. Soon to be seen here, I hope! (Or not hope... I am talking about after my hair falls off.) [physically] My weight hit the lowest record ever I remember since I am at this height. A mild nausea, consistent but tolerable. I could eat more today. No appetite. Burping. Not much fatigue. My face still has pimples for the last 3 days. My period still goes on. A nurse called me and told me that it could be irregular during chemotherapy. She did not sound concerned about it. Every night, nausea gets worse. [emotionally] Very steady. It may be still too early to say, but the first week of the chemotherapy is rough and tough. If that is the case, 5 more weeks of that to overcome. I have 6 cycles every 3 weeks, that makes it about 4+ months. It is not like 5 months of rough and tough time, more like 5 weeks in total. That way, emotionally it is easier to cope with this. In the train heading back home, I exercised an "escape" that my physiotherapist had told me how to calm me down.
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Day 6: Killing my time while healing
It was better, again, than yesterday. I really hope this improvement in the past Day 5 and Day 6 will be my cycle for the rest of my 5 chemotherapy. In the next cycle, I will be teaching on Day 6. When there is some "must do" things that I care, I should be able to pull myself together on Day 6, I can tell. The course is called Fashion Economics. It is a field of economics, but main theme is about fashion. I created the course outline, proposed to and approved by collage and NY state. It is brand new and only run for 2 semesters yet. This will be my third semester teaching that subject. This semester, it expanded into 2 courses. I am excited about it. I am the only one who can teach that course and no other economists can replace me. I must do it! [physically] My body is 1/4 of my regular energy level. A light fatigue. Laying down most of the time. Nausea around lunch time and I took a medicine. No appetite. Never feel hungry without eating any snack during a day. Talking is not too tiring (it used to). I will contact doctor's office tomorrow to inquire about my continuous spotty period, still going on. Today was it's 8th day. [emotionally] BORED. I feel like a day after my fever is gone after catching a cold (yes, that is more emotionally). Slightly positive. Comments and e-mails from friends made me smile :-)! I am so bored, but I don't want to be actively moving around. I tried to go out for a walk, but it started to rain and I turned around to head home. I finally cleaned our kitchen casual dining table. I did not realize but if I don't do it, things just pile up! Dishes are served on top of them. Table glass was sticky, I could not stand it any more and I could move and clean it. I can see my husband is handful with taking care of me and our son while he does his job. I will do what I can. My boredom set a light on my photography again today. I don't want to walk around much. I am afraid of contacting many people as I am more prone to infection today. Photography requires some time and now it is a perfect time. I had not done that for awhile. 日本語で
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Day 5: I feel a little better than yesterday
Day 5: I wake up feeling a little better than yesterday. I got up to do necessary chores, including eating. Sadly, no appetite makes eating as a daily chore for now. For a record, I lost about 4.5lb (2kg) since before the chemotherapy in a week. A day after my chemotherapy, I was 8lb (4kg) heavier than today. I don't understand why. Possibly, all the liquid that I took and they injected me weighted plus 4.5lb. Over the course of chemotherapy, patients seem to put more weight on average. I am guessing my appetite will come back before the next cycle (in about 2 weeks). Let's see. I focus on eating mainly more lean protein, vegetables and fruits, and try not to skip Vitamin D & Calcium liquid supplement. My husband took me out for a short walk. Thank you for asking me! As we got ready to leave home, it started to rain some. Great... But that did not stop us from walking. That was a nice walk and refreshing, and it was really short. But it caused some mild nausea afterwards. I took Metoclopramide, anti-nausea, medicine, rested in a couch and it went away. No make-up, my hair is not really set... Oh well, at least I brushed my teeth. I am afraid of saying it out loud, as a fashion fun, but that was not important today! I noticed I started to get pimples around my nose and mouth. I may have skipped some face wash in some mornings. I know I did it before going to bed. I will see how it goes. [phsically] Less fatigue than in the last 3 days. Persisting lack of appetite. I have been sleeping well at night, even if I take naps during day. Gassy. So many burping, I mean so many. I took 1 anti-nausea pill.I still have spotty period, makes me concerned. [emotionally] Not bad. Things are looking slightly more optimistic today. I am concerned how I will be able to teach in 2 weeks. I will have to manage the scheduling in advance to prepare material way in advance, when I can. I just hope tomorrow will come a bit more brighter. 日本語は こちらから
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Day 4: Finding about Steroid Pill Power
Today was better than yesterday. I wake up fine, some fatigue, but not as bad as yesterday. No nausea. Good start. But, most of my day, I was lying down. That was the most comfortable position I could take, while texting and browsing websites with my cell or watching movies. In the afternoon, a nurse from the chemotherapy unit called me to check on me. We went over how I felt and confirmed this has been perfectly normal reaction. She assured that the chemotherapy I had was a strong one, and I should take things easy. Don't over do anything. She told me to expect a very similar reaction cycle for the future 5 sessions as well, and plan accordingly. (My relative-in-law told me the same, too! Thanks.) One thing I found very interesting from the conversation is the reason I felt relatively fine on the first and the second days of the chemotherapy. It was a set of steroid pills, Decadron, that I took for over three days, a day before, during and a day after chemotherapy. The nurse told me that once the Decadron's effect is gone, then I must feel exhausted. The whole thing made sense now! On Day 2, I could go out for the farmer's market, only because I had that medicine. Wow, that medicine is powerful, then. [physically]: Not as bad as yesterday. Fatigue. No appetite. I don't get hungry. I eat, only because it is time to do. Last day of my period. Before going to bed, I became nauseous. I took Lorazepam for sleep. [emotionally]: I became sad about my appetite. I used to be such a foodie. There was a time that I thought I was living for food. Now I eat food for living, period. It is sad to realize that I don't have anything in my mind what I want to eat. Food seems to be out of picture, no joy comes along. Now it is obligation to have something nutritious to sustain my life. 日本語はこちらから (For Japanese, click Read More)
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Day 3: after my 1st chemotherapy
Honestly, I did not like the way I was today at all. All I could do was just lying down. I could not get up. I wake up feeling nauseous. My husband brought me an anti-nausea pill. I was too tired to even ask him for the pill. I did not want to speak. By the afternoon, I was tired of lying down in bed. I spent some time lying down outside, just to change the air. Then I went back inside to watch a movie. [physically] Exhausted. No energy. No appetite. Lazy to do anything. Reconstructed left breast bothers me. My left underarm does not have any sensation. I started my period a day before chemotherapy, and it is still going on. My pee is so clear. [emotionally] Realizing my condition, made me cry from time to time. Feeling miserable. I don't know how to enjoy "not doing anything" in general. Frustrating. I was disappointed with me. Life is not easy. Down, down, down all day. 今日は、最悪な日。けだるさで、本当に動きたくない。朝から 胸焼け。でも、薬を取りにいくことも億劫であれば、ハズバンドにヘルプと言葉にするだけでも億劫である。とにかく 一日 ベッドやソファーに寝る 寝る 寝る。起きると気持ち悪いわけではないんだけれど、重力が地球より大きなところに来て、重力に抗えない感覚。 [体調] 疲れ。エネルギーなし。食欲全くなし。再建途中の左胸が気になる。本当に 綺麗になってくれるんだろうかなぁ。と不安。24時間ワイヤー入りのブラをつけていると さすがに 窮屈。脇の下の感覚がないので、気になって 常に触ってしまう。抗がん剤治療前に 生理が始まって、そろそろ 終わるのかな、当分 生理も来ないだろうな。あるべきものがなくなるのは悲しい。尿が 異様に透明。 [心] もう 今の自分を抜け出したい。悲しくなって 今日は 泣いた。暇はつまらないと思うので、何かしら動いていたこの私。体が動いてくれなくて 否応なく暇をさせられて それが苦痛。自分にがっかり。人生つらいなぁ。と 今日の心理は 最悪。
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Day 2: after my 1st chemotherapy
AMAZING: I am talking to myself... Day 2 of my 1st chemo, I was at a farmer's market! ぷぷぷ。自分でもうそみたい。なんと ファーマーズマーケットに 朝から顔出しちゃった。（写真で見ると 顔が はれぼったい気がするけど。） I wake up around 9 AM. My husband got me freshly made corn muffins from near by deli. As I was eating the corn muffin, I was wondering who is going to get me fresh corns for me from a farmer's market near by. I asked my husband to go and get them for me. Then wonder... maybe I can come. So we went! Fresh flowers, fresh bread, fresh veggies, fresh fruits and fresh fresh fresh. It was so refreshing. 9時おき。近所で ハズバンドが 焼きたてのコーンマフィンを調達。コーンと言えばシーズン真っ只中。甘い甘い コーンが土曜日に開く ファーマーズマーケットで売っているんだけれどなー。 買って来てもらうのをお願いしたけど、調子も良さそうだったから 一緒についていってみることにした。近くだし、いざとなったら すぐに帰宅しよう。
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A day after my 1st chemotherapy
A day after my first chemotherapy time line. 第一回抗がん剤治療後 1日目のわたし。
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A Lifestyle Blog with Breast Cancer
A Lifestyle Blog What!? I did not see that coming… -Breast Cancer- In May,…
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