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I need some time. 時間がかかる。

Yoko Katz November 2, 2019 0 comments

My bone biopsy itself went well. I had an appointment with my oncologist. (JP:日本語は英語の後に) I have full of facts that I need to face. I understand them, but I am processing, and I take my time to write my updates.

キャッツ洋子 骨の検査 乳がん 再発
I had been crying so much every day during October. 
I have never cried this much in my life.

Meanwhile, I extend our fundraising campaign, we have made to $14,529 out of our goal of $25,000. Thank you for those who had backed my project during the breast cancer awareness month. I have the intention to personally thank each one of the supporters! Please give me some time. My mind had been at the extreme strained state ever in my life. Knowing your support for this cause really helped me through this. I have a purpose that kept me going. My sincere appreciation for your support. Thank you. I will talk to Masayo and once we find out the time we close the campaign, we will make an announcement, but since then the campaign is ongoing!

[October 15, 2019] A day before the biopsy

I went to see a neuroradiologist between my lectures. The doctor went over the bone biopsy procedure. Along the way, he showed me my PET/CT scan for the first time ever. The cancer spots really light up, bright stars on my body images. My curiosity was satisfied to see the images, but I found a spot that my oncologist did not mention and I could not read that in my PET/CT scan pathology report. My oncologist told me that there were 2 spots on the bones I had. She did not mention another spot on the lymph node.

キャッツ洋子 骨の検査 乳がん
Waiting for my turn for a meeting with the doctor. The average age in this waiting room was probably 60 years old. I made a lot of people smile in this fashion. Some of them wanted to talk to me about fashion.

That afternoon, the only thing I could think of was that my new discovery of the spot. “Why didn’t my oncologist mention it?” “I thought it was only on the bones, but it was also on the lymph node…” The neuroradiologist told me that bone metastasize is the result of blood-based spread, not lymph-based spread. This information logically tells me that I have both blood and lymph based spreads and that sounds all over… etc. etc. etc. I finished my afternoon lecture. I also attended a hat class I have been taking.

キャッツ洋子 骨の検査 乳がん
A colleague told me
”Yoko, people come to work, but you run-way to work!” 
Oh, I love that comment.
Something may go on in life, but with uplifting fashion, nobody can tell what I go through. I get some privacy while I teach my students. My students do not have to know what I go through, I do my lecture at my best.

[October 16, 2019] The bone biopsy day

I was nervous about the biopsy. A lot of people came to greet me their names and functions up until I was knocked down by the anesthesia. One of the anesthesia medications hart me so much as an anesthesiologist warned me, it was almost a burning sensation from the inside of my vain. I was screaming and there was a guy who was comforting me while laying on my stomach (as the bone biopsy spot was on my back). I don’t remember a thing after that until I wake up. My friend, Masayo, checked me out to take me home by car. I was still drowsy and I went to bed. Another friend came to help me for the rest of the afternoon and evening. I ate some but went back to sleep. I felt like finally sleeping so well.

キャッツ洋子 骨の検査 乳がん 再発

I was not sleeping much at all since the news of spread, every 1 or 2 hours, my eyes open wide during the night. Many people have been trying to help me and were advising me on tips and tricks to sleep. I did not think it was something ordinal sleepless nights. It was really coming from the mental threatened state that kept me awake, not knowing what is ahead of me, nor not to mention the scariest reality that I don’t even want to mention it here. I felt as if I had tangled brain neuro lines, it was tangled so hard that nothing could lose them. It was something so tight up there. (Occasional controlled substance that I took helped me a lot, but I did not take it all the time, I wanted to make sure that I could go to my teaching.) Anyway, the biopsy went well. The following morning, it was still sleepy, but by the afternoon, I was feeling all right.

I asked many times to make an appointment with my oncologist, especially after the bone biopsy, all the necessary results should be out. I was in contact with a staff member for some days and finally got an appointment, but I had to wait for another 8 days (each process is frustrating). My brain had been in such a horrible state for another 8 days, 8 more days!

I have met my oncologist and spoke with her about my possible plans. That made a huge difference in my state of mind. But there were a lot of facts that I was not ready to hear and I have been still processing them. It is a lot to take all at once. I probably update here once I am ready.

(Facebook plugin to WordPress is not acting well and crashes my site. Then Facebook keeps the ghost post that people cannot see the blog as the crashing erased my blog. Sorry for any inconvinience it caused you. )



[2019年10月15日] 骨の細胞摂取前日

授業の合間に神経放射線科医の先生に会いに行く。骨細胞摂取についての手順を説明してくれる。そこで、人生で初めて自分のPET/CTスキャンの画像を見る。あれは、本当に癌の部分がピカっと光るんですね、うわさには聞いていたものの、自分で見てみてショックでした。そのうえ、神経放射線科医の先生が、腫瘍内科の先生が私に言わなかった箇所に一か所 「ここにも癌があるね」と言うので、「え?え?ほかにもあるんですか?」と私。骨しかないよ と聞いていて、神経放射線科医の先生は、骨で血液が作られるから、骨に転移があるというのは、血液に乗って癌が広がったんだというんです。でも、もう一か所と言うのが、リンパに転移が見られるので、リンパと血液は別だという先生の話。


[2019年10月16日] 骨の細胞摂取の日

骨の細胞摂取なんて 考えただけでも痛そう。病院では、非常に多くの人が短い時間に、名前と役割を自己紹介してくれて、チャカチャカと事柄が進む。当日麻酔科医の先生が、一つの麻酔が入るときに少し痛いからね と言っていたけど、実際に痛くなるまで忘れていた。背骨に転移した細胞を取るために、私は腹ばいになっている。「麻酔入れますね~」との同時に、私は大声で唸る イタイイタイ。「これ、めちゃくちゃ痛い。血管が破裂しちゃいそう」そういう私を別の男性が腕を撫でてなだめてくれる。それを最後に、目覚めたときには、回復室にいた。ビジネスパートナーのMasayoが病院でサインをして帰宅許可が出て、車で家まで送ってもらう(ありがとう)。まだまだ ボーっとしているので、そのままベッドに入る。別のお友達が家に入ってきて(という約束にしてあって)、午後から夜にかけて 私の様子を見つつ、夕食を作ってくれた(ありがとう)。

久しぶりに、すごいよく寝た。なんてったって、本当に脳みその奥の方の神経がカチンコチンにこんがらがってて、きゅーーーんとなっている状態がずっと続いていた。寝れたとしても、1・2時間で目を覚ます始末だし、ひどいときは、突然飛び起きる(文字通り がばっと布団から飛び起きる。)普通のレベルの寝られないとは全然違う寝られない。何かとてつもない恐ろしいものが迫っていて、おちおち寝ていられない感覚。戦争の最前線に行ったことはないけれど、生命に危機に迫られているとたぶん、おちおち寝てられないんじゃないかと思うんだけど、なんだかそういうのに近いんじゃないかと思うんだ。どうなんだろう。授業がないと分かっている日は、処方してもらった おどろおどろしい但し書き付きの薬を飲んで、つかの間の睡眠をとるという日が続いていたから、本当に久しぶりに良く寝られてよかった。次の朝もボーっとしていたけれども、午後になったら すっきりだった。


さて、腫瘍内科の先生と会い、話ができた。先生が治療方針を提示してくれて、そのために動き出す。やっと やっと やっと、私の頭がほどけてくる。ただ、同時に、厳しい現実もいろいろと伝えてもらって、一気に伝えてもらうものだから、なかなか今度はそれを落ち着いて話せるまで自分の中に持ってくるのに時間がかかっている。またいつか、ここで話ができるのかなと 思っている。