Dissertation Defense: Pass! 博士論文口頭試験 合格！

I passed my dissertation defense in PhD Economics last week! My husband and son celebrated my achievement with a cake and Champagne on the same day. It was a long, and sometimes rough, journey to come to this day. I still have to make some minor revisions, but the major parts are all done! A big relief! (Yes, this is THE big project I have been referring as a big project in this blog.)

In the picture above, I took off my hat while defending it. I tried to look moderately stylish, but hopefully looked smart to defend a serious paper. How do you rate?

I was ready and anxious to get over with. I did not get nervous at all though. After going through my cancer battle, that was tough and made me very nervous. I experienced physical pain, and physiological pain such as panic attacks and depression. This dissertation defense, I felt it was mush under my control. I knew what I did in my paper.

My husband told me he would come home with a Champagne to celebrate it. I told my son about the news and he told me we should celebrate it with a cake. That was a sweet idea! So, I told my husband to pick up a cake as well so that all three can have it.

When I was diagnosed with cancer in June 2014, I had an idea of giving up my PhD. It was 90% done, but my mind set came to the point of thinking: “why do I bother? I have cancer. A life is too short to stick to the idea of completing dissertation. My friends are making advance in career, while I have been a student all my life…, now I have cancer. I am stuck with my dissertation. Why do I bother to complete it?” Cancer overwhelmingly occupied my mind.

I learned great patience while treating my cancer. Schedule wise, nothing went as I wished. “A next appointment” could be scheduled in 2 weeks, while I wanted to have it right away. Meanwhile, what about my cancer, does it get worse? Well, the earliest appointment can be scheduled in 2 weeks. At a doctor’s office, I waited for a long time (at some of the offices). Chemotherapy and its recovery process took long time and my energy was low. Each chemotherapy took my day for the treatment. I left home at 6:30 AM and came home around 4 to 5 PM. I spent 5 months in bed, except when I went out for teaching -twice a week-. I was fortunate to have great family and friends, I did not have to do any of house chores because of them. I focused on my treatments. I personally could not do much, but a life of my family with a child went OK. (Thank you, my family and friends, again.)

Especially since my last IV injection treatment this summer 2015, I finally felt I was ready to go back to my big “undone” project: dissertation. I relied on my family and friends once again. Our home looked messy, but nobody was dying, let it be. Things at home would be OK, just like while I was chemo treatments. I learned now patience to do a big project. I did not really have “weekends,” “holidays” and “socializing” for awhile, my mind was on dissertation 24/7. Finally, I defended!

I will have a great holiday season this time! A happy holiday season, everyone!

経済学の博士課程 口頭試験合格！ハズバンドと息子が、当日の夜 ケーキとシャンパンでお祝いしてくれた。ここまで来るのに、すごく長くかかった。まだ 少し手直しをしないといけないけれど、大まかな流れは変えないので、ほとんど終了！いゃったー！

口頭試験の外見。それなりに私らしいスタイル、でも 真面目な論文をするのに 賢そうな格好と思ってスタイリングした格好で。どうかしら？帽子とスカーフは、外にいたときだけ。中では取ってました(女性は室内で帽子を取らなくていいんだけれど）。

口頭試験まで、日にちが近づくにつれて、そわそわ落ち着かなかったけれども、準備はばっちりのはず。「緊張するんねぇ」とハズバンドに言われたけれど、全くドキドキとする緊張感はなし、ちょっと落ち着かないだけ。やっぱり、癌との戦いは大変だし、よっぽどそっちの方が生命の危険を感じて緊張した。身体的な痛みもあったし、ウツやパニック障害などの精神的な苦痛も経験した。今は、ちょっとやそこらでは動揺しない。自分の書いた論文、どこに何が書いてあるかは分かっている。

癌を経験して、辛抱強くなったと思う。スケジュールは自分の思うようには進まない。「次のお医者さんの予約は、そうねぇ、2週間後しか空いていません。」と、今すぐ見てもらいたいのに 病院からのお返事はのんびり。お医者さんに行けば行ったで、待ち時間が2時間。ひどいときは4時間。抗がん剤治療は4時間、お手洗い以外座っている。朝6時半に家を出て、帰ってくるのが夕方4時5時の時もあった。家に居れば、ベッドの中で、気力なし。とことん何もしないで横になっている。幸せなことに、やさしい家族と友達に恵まれて、自分で家事が出来なくても、なんとか、子供のいる家庭生活も成り立っていった。（とても感謝している。）

2015年夏、最後の点滴治療を終えて、一区切りがついた。残りの人生で、生きているうちにやるべき事を終わらせなくては：第一弾は、博士論文。再び、家族と友達に迷惑をかけながらの論文生活。家の中はぐちゃぐちゃ、ご飯の準備も手抜き。将来の計画をする時間すらない。でも、そんなことで誰も死ぬことはないから、もうそのままで突き進む。家族や友達とのお約束も、全部「終わったらね」と後回し。週末・休日・運動する時間 全部なくして 論文論文。辛抱強さは学んだので、じっとこらえてやり抜く。やった、そして やっと先週 口頭試験(defense)をパス！

寝不足だった日々を取り戻すかのごとく とにかく寝る。そして、クリスマス準備を全くしてこなかったので、短時間でクリスマス準備もしなくちゃ！です。素敵なクリスマスを 皆さん！癌もなし、博士論文もなし な年末年始になりそう。にしし。やった～！！！