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6th Cancerversary 宣告から6年目

This year, I have totally a mixed feeling about the anniversary of my first breast cancer diagnosis date, back on May 28, 2014. (HER2 and hormone positive. Mastectomy with reconstruction with silicone. TCHP 6 cycles in 2014. 2019- radiation, and Kadcyla every 3 weeks for as long as it works with an indefinite number of cycle for now.)

Every year, May 28 was a happy day until the last year. I started seeing life in a different level at the age of 36 in 2014. Every year was amazing after knowing that the cancer was removed, and I did all the preventative but painful chemo treatments for a year. I became afraid of nothing, nothing was scarier than cancer. I felt invincible. Everything I do became some extra time I gained from the survivorship. I felt lucky to be able to do, and failure became another challenge for the next time, and any success was the result of the bravery I gained through the profound experiences of cancer. I appreciated every drop of the time, and I felt more fulfilled and appreciated even otherwise-a-boring day. This continues until after my 5th anniversary in May, up until I found a lump my two doctors and I did not find until the end of summer

The last year became rough with the recurrence diagnosis in October 2019. Not only that, what I initially thought “cancer-free” after Stage 1 and regular visits of doctors’ offices, but suddenly the stage becomes Stage 4. This anniversary became somewhat different. It is not all happy feelings about life after the initial cancer diagnosis. Now I feel that 6 years ago, everything changed with me permanently. Now, the world experiences the COVID-19 outbreak, and people often refer to future life beyond coronavirus is a new-normal. Life before and after is no longer the same. The same thing for me before and after the diagnoses.

I thank you for my doctors, people who work with my doctors, family, friends, colleagues, even my students, and people who have been cheering me up by sending me messages over SNS. Thank you for all the supports and love that you share with me.

毎年毎年、5月28日には、祈念日として2014年 36歳の時に乳がん宣告を受けた日を数えてきた。今回は、今までとは違う気持ちでこの日を迎える。(2014年には、HER2とホルモンの治療。全摘出・再建。TCHPを6サイクルーHPだけ1年間ーこなす。2019年、放射線治療を受け、カドサイラを3週間に一度点滴治療。カドサイラは、現在のところ、良い効果が出続ける限り際限を設けることなくずっと続く。)


2019年10月に転移再発の癌の再宣告を受ける。Stage1で、癌だった場所の摘出をしたはずの全摘出後の胸にしこりが見つかり、突然Stage4となる。なので、この5月28日は、祈念日と過去のことのように扱うのも違う気がするし。お祈りには違いないけど、前のお祈りとは種類が違う。6年もたってうれしいね!というのも 何か少し違う。すべてが 感謝で幸せだけの日々とは 全然違う種類の日々が訪れる。終わりなき癌が体に回っていて薬が効いている間は大丈夫だからというわけで、薬漬けの毎日。精神的にも深みを覗いて知っているわと思った深みは、全然浅かった。今、世界はコロナウイルスが蔓延し、アメリカでは特にひどく、コロナ前と後の生活を比べるのに、コロナ後の生活のことを New Normal と呼ぶ。宣告を受けるということは、宣告を受けるたびに、いちいち、昔のNormalには戻れずに、New Normalがやってくる。いまなら、多くの人に共感してもらえると思う。